I don't like being busy
"I honestly hate being this busy. I don't know how you like it." "I don't."
You think I enjoy having to "pencil in" friends I haven't seen for months? You think I like having no days completely off for months on end?
No one does.
I stay busy for a few reasons—I think.
For awhile I stayed busy because I was terrified not to. And sometimes I still am.
"There are only 24 hours in a day. The greats stick to their routine. Some CEO's sleep 3-4 hours. Work harder than your competition."
I guess I became scared to not be busy. To not be constantly adding to my resume and accomplishing more. And sometimes, I still feel that way. I need to write, read, exercise, network every day (in between work, cleaning, LIVING LIFE, etc.).
Another reason I stayed and continue to stay busy is because I actually enjoy new opportunity. It is often hard for me to pass up on things that come my way, because you never know where it can lead you. However recently, I have taken some time to really think about what I truly want rather than what I think I need.
This has helped me to cut back on saying so much yes, it has helped me to add a little more no—which is sometimes exactly what you need.
Another thing, is my interest in life. I love so many things, am curious about so many things and am fascinated by so many things that I often don't feel I have enough time to explore it all. So I attempt to schedule time for my strongest interests, but sometimes, this takes away from my time of thought, outdoors, mindless wandering—things I want to do when I'm not on the clock.
And that might be what really matters.
And when you put up the front and brand that you are a busy, hard-worker, when you build up your resume as such—opportunities tend to come to you. It is often more difficult for me to keep an open schedule because some weeks I feel like I have a new opportunity each day. And I'm not complaining, I just think I need to manage it. Prioritize it.
Learn to say no to some of it.
And the last reason I think I stay so busy, is probably the most important one. One that I realized just a few days ago.
I'm reading a book on the power of vulnerability. That there are some of us that "don't do vulnerability" or are "emotionless." Except for guess what, we aren't.
One shield we put up to run from our own lack of vulnerability and reality of our lives is a busy schedule. We stay busy so we don't have to feel so much. So we don't have to recognize the reality of our lives.
I'm not saying I have something I'm running from, because I have a pretty great life—and I know that.
I'm saying that maybe, one of the reasons I stay so busy is because I'm scared to feel vulnerable, take risks—be scared. Maybe I'm running from those chances.
I'm not really sure.
So no, I don't like being this busy.
And yes, I am working on it.
And yes, I probably will be busy my whole life. But I feel that if I recognize the reasons, manage them and balance them—then leading a full life won't be so bad after all.
Because I will lead a full life, a busy life—but it will be busy with what I want to do, rather than what I think I need to do. It will be busy with changes in plans and later nights than anticipated. It will be filled with reading and running and love.
It will never be empty, because it will be busy—it will be full.