Rock Bottom

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I learned today why I share my writing, and why it is important that I share my writing. 

From a high school senior nonetheless.

I was lucky enough to attend TEDX University of Nevada, and heard from some incredible speakers about life, issues, and doing good for the world. 

And for me, this couldn't have come at a better time.

This high schooler, this young, brilliant mind, discussed why she shares her struggles. 

It's because, in order for others to share their insecurities and their struggles, they must share their vulnerabilities with others. 

But someone needs to start that conversation.

Someone that is vulnerable about a topic or something they are dealing with, must share that story, so that others that are struggling can share, too. Or at least, quietly feel less alone. 

And this is why I am writing today. 

I want to explain a little about my blog. About why I do this and why I continue to do this even though it sucks sometimes.

I am social, from the outside, I have it all together. I have awesome friends and I'm known as the go-with-the-flow party girl (or was in college heyyy).

I want to — I need to make something clear. 

I do not write because I have it figured out. I do not write because I am successful. I do not write because I am an expert.

I write because I don't.

When I write my heavier pieces, I am writing because I have to. 

Writing is the only thing I have found in the past few years, that has saved me. It is my art form, my expressive canvas, my dance, and my painting.

Writing is how I process what is going on in my head. Writing is how I make sense of different things that occur. 

Writing is how I learn from mistakes, from thoughts — from everything. 

I do not write because I have it all figured out, I write because I don't at all. 

I write because it allows me to learn.

Now, there are two parts to a blog. There is the writing, which I just explained the reason for. But then there is also the sharing. 

So, I could certainly write and not share while still processing my emotions and thoughts, right? 

... right. 

But there is something else to this, something more. 

I share because I have never felt more elated, on cloud nine, and surreal than when someone slides into my DM and tells me, "I read your blog, and thanks, I have been feeling the same way and I needed that today."

That is what gets me going. That is what pushes me forward. 

Relating to others. 

So really, I write to help you. You, being the person that might have a struggle similar to mine that they are silently figuring out in fear of appearing dumb, stupid — messed up.

But there is another reason I share. 

A selfish reason. 

I share because, as much as the person on the other end of the direct message needed me, I too needed them. 

None of us want to feel alone. 

None of us want to feel stuck in our head, secluded from others, isolated in a world of different problems and challenges. 

So just as I hope some need me, I too need them. 

I need that message that says, hey, I'm feeling the same. I need that text that says, wow, thank you for inspiring me. I need that call that says, I never told you, but you inspired me to do this. 

Because now I'm no longer alone.

I write and share, so that you feel less alone — so that I feel less alone. And I know, social media, direct messages, and texting are less than ideal for connection — but they are also a great tool to share our stories. 

To share our stories. 

If you haven't figured it out by now, I often deal with a lot inside my own head. 

Anxiety, body image issues — the works. 

But you see, I so often refrain from sharing these issues in a direct way, because, it's embarrassing.

But see, being human is messy (though beautifully so), and we all have our "things."

I have a great life. I am blessed beyond belief. Great job, great friends, great family, great life. 

Yet, sometimes, I struggle. 

And so, I put down my emotions. 

"You have a great life, why are you feeling this way? You're beyond dumb and so ungrateful."

Because you see, these things I dealt with weren't because I didn't realize that I had everything I could have ever needed. In fact, they were exactly the opposite, "what is wrong with you? You have everything going for you. Stop being an idiot."

And, as you may have guessed, this self-talk results in the cycle of my mental issues repeating. 

But when I think about sharing, these thoughts appear:

"Why would anyone want to listen to me talk about these things? I haven't been through anything traumatic, so many people have it worse" I often think.

Which is true, and I am so grateful for that.

But it's still my story. My feelings are still real. My emotions and the issues I deal with on a daily basis are still valid. 

My story is still enough.

And I don't think I'm alone. 

I don't think I'm the only one dealing with different issues that I am too scared, too afraid to talk about or ask for guidance about. 

Issues that I'm too afraid to ask for help with. 

Your thoughts, your feelings, your issues — they are valid. 

You are valid.

Your story is enough.

So I ask you, why are we afraid?

Why are we so afraid of asking for help? 

There are so many issues in the world. Hunger, violence, discrimination. 

So why do these other internal issues even matter? 

Because these are what is holding some of us back. 

These are what is holding some of us back from solving those world problems. 

So why are we afraid? 

_______

They say you hit rock bottom before you launch into something greater than ever before. 

At the beginning of this piece, I stated that the TEDTalks I had the honor of listening to couldn't have come at a better time for me. 

This is because I recently hit what was rock bottom, for me. 

And it was in hitting rock bottom that I realized how much more I had to push for. 

I have a great life. Great job, great friends, great family — great life. 

The only thing that has been holding me back, is me. 

And no, this isn't something that I can just decide to fix. It's not something that anyone that has never dealt with can say is unimportant. 

This is real. This is something that I will work on every day. 

And I will work on it, because I have to. 

Because I realized that by giving in to my inner problems, by hiding away from what was going on in my head, I was inhibiting myself from what I was meant to give others. 

My voice, my thoughts, my help, and my leadership.

I was inhibiting myself to helping others, solely because I was too afraid to share my story, to ask for help.

So I am asking you, if you are dealing with anything in your life that is holding you back, to please, with me, figure out what is going on in here, so that you can go out and fix what is going on out there.

P.S. I bet you wouldn't have guessed this just by looking at my Instagram feed, huh? Though social media should be authentic and real, I want you to remember that it is not EVERYTHING that is going on in someone's life. We get to curate the best moments, so remember that we all go through different things behind the scenes — we all do — because we are human.

And being human, well, it's messy. And beautifully so.

 

ALL MY LOVE,

STASIA

 

**This was written a few months ago and I am now ready to share because I am in a great place and working on bettering myself and my well-being every day. Please reach out if you want to connect. XXXXXX

 

Anastasia Warren