10 years I dreamed of walking these streets. 10 years I dreamed of this moment, right here.
3 years were spent trying to make it — 3 years filled with high hopes and slammed doors.
3 years of believing that I couldn't do it, that it wasn't in the cards. 3 years of mental exhaustion, of living in my own mind long enough to not recognize myself in the mirror.
And now, I'm here.
And now, none of it seems real. None of it seems allowed. None of it seems like me.
One of my greatest fears is one of my greatest character flaws. I fear that, no matter how many city regulations I break to water my lawn, the grass will always be greener.
What if the grass is always greener?
I fear reaching my dreams and goals and still looking ahead. I fear accomplishing what I set out to do and feeling less than full — empty, in fact.
I fear it all.
I've reached my life's goal. The goal. The only goal that ever mattered.
The goal that would allow me to answer the question of, "can I do it? Can I make it?"
I did it. I made it.
The other day I asked myself, potentially, the most dangerous two words in the English language — "now what?"
"Now what?" You ask? Now what is your life. Now what is your family, your friends, the people you have yet to meet.
Now what is you.
Now what is now.
Now what is all that has ever mattered.
It's not about what's next, what is to come. It's about what is now.
And I'm finally realizing that that is OK.
It's all OK. It's OK to question your decisions, your dreams, and your goals. It's OK to work toward something greater — something different.
But it's also OK to stop. It's OK to let yourself enjoy it. It's OK to take a step back and be proud of yourself for this milestone, rather than already thinking of the next.
It is all OK.