Clarity

Clarity.

It's something I've been searching for for a long time.

Simple clarity.

Clarity on what I want. Clarity on who I am. Clarity on where I'm going. Clarity on who I'm meant to be.

Clarity.

It's something I've been searching for for a long time.

This search has caused sleepless nights, more tears than I can count, ups and downs, high highs and even lower lows.

Often, I would find it, or at least, I thought I had. 

"This time is different," I often thought... only to spiral back into what was the dark hole of my search to find, well, me.

Plans were made, plans were changed. Goals were set, goals weren't met. 

Clarity.

That's all I wanted - that's all I've ever really wanted.

The problem with me, or I guess the thing about me, is that I have a lot of interests. Many things are interesting to me and many lives seem like they could be my own. So often I go back and forth as I try to stay status quo and up with the trends of what we're all "supposed" to be.

I look down on myself for this trait, of course, as it has caused many feelings of pain and sadness as I have, more than once, given up myself completely... because, "maybe I'll just never do anything."

It also leaves me sometimes feeling as though I'm ungrateful, because, "why can't I just be happy with who I am? With what I have?"

My friends and family put up with a lot in this aspect of my life (well actually, all aspects - but let's not go there). They listen to my new ideas and pretend moments of "clarity" as I think I have found it - whatever it really is.

And they're still here just the same. I would be exhausted if I was on the other end of my phone calls, hell, I AM exhausted on my end of the phone calls. 

But they're still here. And I owe them everything. 

I often look down on myself for bouncing from one idea to the next. But now I see that it is this trait, this perceived weakness, that will actually be one of my greatest strengths.

Because, guess what?

I have found it - my clarity.

At least for now, as least for next.

And how do I know? Because what I have realized I want to do, who I have realized I am, where I have realized I am going to go, and who I have realized I am meant to be - it's me.

This time, I decided to strip down to bare - to peel away life's bullshit and my own self-inflicted misconceptions of what I or anyone else may think.

I took away the money. I took away the "smart" and "safe" way. I took away the images of others in great places doing great things. 

I took away it all, and what I was left with, was me... what has always been me, what I've always known, what I'm never going to shy away from again. 

I have found what is my clarity, for me, for now. 

For next.

And how do I know? Because every time I think about it I can't not dance and air punch like a crazy person. When I work toward it I can't sleep from inspiration. When I think deeply about it I tear up and my heart feels as though it will burst.

My heart feels as though it will burst.

The search to find what I want and who I am has been a long road. The beauty is this: I see why now. I see the reason for every failure, every set-back, every painful day, every let down - it was for a reason. It was for this.

And I know it's going to suck sometimes. I know there are tougher days ahead. I know there will be more ups and downs. 

I know that I will lose this clarity and find it again.

I know I may change my mind about what I want and who I want to be again. 

And that's okay.

That's okay because I see that there's a reason for this - for all of it.

Always has been, always will be.

Clarity.

It's something I've been searching for for a long time.

It's something I've found - it's something I can't wait to get started.

I wrote earlier about my natural tendency to like a lot of things - something that I once looked down on is now what I love the most.

Because what makes a better businesswoman, writer, and creative than one that has many passions and sees potential wherever she turns? Maybe a lot of things, but for me, that's my strength.

As my best friend so kindly says, "you just like a lot of things," and I'm ready to channel this strength to push toward what I want and who I am meant to be. 

I'm ready to do so in clarity - seeing that my loving many things is not a sign of a lack of graciousness, but rather, it is a sign of gratitude for all that is good in the world.

Because once you find clarity, you see that there's actually, quite a lot.

P.S. My New York trip was everything I needed, can you tell? Big things ahead (I hope). 

<3,

Stasia