Enough of big things
It's something I've always wanted to do.
I want to do big things. I want to achieve greatness. I want to make an impact.
I want to live to my potential.
Along with this, I have big dreams.
Dreams that, don't allow for the normal path. Dreams that change often. Dreams that don't necessarily provide an income right away.
Dreams that light a fire within me, but seem so far away.
Because, I must do big things.
The past few years I became distraught with the world. Unsure of what I wanted, who I am, where I was going.
I simply got lost. I got lost in coming into the real world ready to do big things, only to realize that life sometimes has different plans, and that big things, well, they don't come easy.
On my path to do big things and to achieve greatness, I slowly put pressure on myself to be perfect in every aspect in life.
If only I had the right clothes, I would be perfect. If only I had a six pack, I would be perfect. If only I was the youngest entrepreneur ever, I would be perfect. If only I accomplished all of these things before I was 25, I would be perfect. If only I saved a ton of money and hustled so I could have a great story of success, I would be perfect. If only I never drank too much, said dumb things, or did anything else remotely "wrong," I would be perfect.
And maybe once I was perfect, I would be ready to do big things.
The truth is, I paralyzed myself in a need to do great things. Because, everything I was doing was never enough.
Living in the age of information overload, I could never seem to grasp what I was looking to be... because someone was always different, someone was always better.
I often looked back to what I could have been.
I was set on the path to be a professional dancer at a young age, and look at those girls now... the girls I grew up training with. Look at them. What am I?
I always thought I would be in a different place at this point, I always thought my life would look different.
All I ever saw, was what I wasn't.
All I ever saw, was not enough.
As I put this insane pressure on myself to live up to something fabricated in my own mind, I slowly, but surely, killed myself. I sabatoged myself and these goals, because I could never be perfect so why try?
And that's bullshit.
It's bullshit that I didn't think what I was doing was good enough. It's bullshit that I didn't love myself because I thought I could be better. It's bullshit that I thought I had to be perfect before I could chase my dreams or even, let my heart be vulnerable. It's bullshit that I constantly think I have to do big things.
Because the truth is, I already am.
And I'm guessing that you are too.
If you're happy, you're figuring it out, you're messing it all up sometimes, and you're enjoying the ride - how can you say you're not doing big things? How can you say you're failing?
I'm a director, a board member, a writer, I try to be a good person. When did that become not enough for me? When did that become inadequate?
What in the fuck is that about?
I'm removing the weight of the world that I created from my shoulders. I'm removing the insane amounts of pressure from my mind. I'm removing the need to be perfect before I can do anything I actually want to do.
I'm loving myself, and I'm loving the road ahead.
I will always strive to be better and to improve. But there is a difference between striving to be better and hating yourself for not being there today.
I will strive to better and to improve out of love for myself and for those around me.
I will remove my need to self-inflict and honestly, self-obsess.
Because suffering stops when you stop thinking about yourself.
Suffering stops when you stop thinking about yourself.
In essence, I am freeing myself from myself. I am stripping away my made up burdens. I am unshackling myself from what I thought I needed to be.
I am starting to love the person I am. I am starting to be free.
Striving to do big things is not a bad trait, but when you let it takeover you, when you let it demean everything you are currently doing, and when you let it make you feel inadequate - that is when you must say goodbye.
Or at least, that is when you must redefine what "big things" means to you.
I believe I will always dream big and want the world, however I will also be happy if all I do is make someone smile over the coffee pot at work. I will also be happy if all I do is run this blog that a few people may read. I will also be happy if all I do is wake up each morning, enjoy my coffee, breath in the fresh air, and choose love over hate.
I will also be happy if all I do is choose life over existence in a world of expectations I have set for myself.
I will also be happy if all I do is live.
Yesterday, my mom asked me if I was the way I was because of something she did. This broke my heart, but it also lead me to discover the root. And it is this. It is putting insane pressure on myself. That's it, that's all.
And when I realized I was enough, a tear streamed down my face and butterflies filled my heart.