So What's Self-Love Anyway?

A few months ago I wrote about a realization I had. One that caused me to realize that all the validation I had ever needed was within me — that that was a void only I could fill.

You see at some point in my early twenties I lost sight of that. I got caught up in the need for validation from others as I navigated what I was doing with my life.

I lost track of where my dreams ended and my craving for recognition began.

Enough was never enough.

I killed myself in pursuit of my career. I killed myself in pursuit of my brand. I killed myself in pursuit of the perfect body.

The perfect image.

And as I killed myself in pursuit of perfection, I forgot one important thing.

I already was.

I didn’t need to be.

I forgot what it felt like to live for me — to not seek and receive being seen.

—

For years, on paper, I accomplished all of those things I thought would make me “perfect.” I made it to the city. I got the apartment. I got the promotion. I attained the body.

I was praised for knowing how to live on my own — for being so brave and smart to not only navigate, but to succeed in the world alone.

And for years I agreed.

I told people I knew how to be on my own. That I was perfectly fine just doing me.

But I realized today that I didn’t.

I realized that that was not the case at all.

Because while I navigated these big life changes and my twenties on my own — I did so with the comfort and fleeting feeling of external validation.

I did it by telling people what I was doing on Instagram, craving work recognitions and praise, needing to make sure that every. single. person. in my life loved every. single. thing about me.

I did it by showing off on the outside, but tearing myself apart and sabatoging my progress on the inside.

And it took me years of work on myself — of failing over and over again — to realize that all I had ever been searching for was already within me. That loving myself for who I am was the only thing I had ever been looking for.

The only thing I had ever needed.

—

A few months ago I wrote about a realization I had. One that caused me to realize that all the validation I had ever needed was within me — that that was a void only I could fill.

And as I wrote, it felt epic. It felt like I had finally learned what I was always supposed to.

The problem with that realization is that it was just that — a realization.

The problem was that I didn’t believe it for myself.

While I knew I was the only one that could give me the recognition, the love — the validation I so desperately needed — I still couldn’t give it.

I still couldn’t love myself.

And as I preached about the importance of believing in more for yourself, in asking for what you deserve, in loving yourself to the utmost — I still couldn’t do it.

I still couldn’t get there.

And I didn’t know how. I didn’t know how to take my self-awareness and knowledge of the fact that I needed to give myself this love and put it to use.

I didn’t think I ever would.

—

The last couple months I’ve been doing a lot for myself. I’ve been doing things, that aren’t necessarily right for you, but that are right for me. Things that I know make me feel good, authentic, confident — truly me.

I’ve been eating better. I’ve been working out. I’ve been putting my phone away. I’ve been spending time with loved ones. I’ve been reviewing my goals (which for once, by the way, aren’t insanely out of my reach).

I’ve been making promises to myself, and I’ve been keeping them. I’ve been forgiving myself when I don’t.

I’ve been thinking about how things will make me feel before I do them.

I’ve been putting myself first.

—

I’ve been down a bit the past couple weeks as I transition back into my city life after spending some time at home.

Today, I wanted to feel better.

But what I realized today after trying, for the one millionth time, to get my validation from external sources, be it social media or dating apps or a work accomplishment or whatever else, was that those dopamine hits — those fleeting moments of gratification — those didn’t feel as good as it felt to go on a run, to cook a good meal, to do my hair and makeup only to sit on my couch alone to watch TV.

Those external validations didn’t feel as good as living my life for me.

They didn’t feel as good as loving myself.

It seems that somewhere between getting enough sleep, taking care of my body, drinking water, honoring my goals and what I want in my life, protecting my energy instead of letting others dictate that for me, setting boundaries, saying f it sometimes and giving up those boundaries to take a chance, enjoying my life — I started to love myself.

I learned to love myself.

—

Two months ago if you had asked me the secret to finding your validation within you — to truly loving every part of you — I would have said, “I’ve been trying for years, good fucking luck.”

Today I can answer that question.

It’s not some sexy, out of this world answer. It’s not traveling the world or making big moves. It actually, can be as simple and unsexy as making sure you drink enough water.

It’s choosing to build yourself up instead of tearing yourself down.

It’s choosing to do things that make you feel better instead of things that make you feel worse.

You love yourself by honoring yourself. By cherishing yourself.

By knowing what lights you up — by doing that.

And so, though I’ve been on my own in terms of my relationship status, my apartment, and moving away from family for quite some time — I don’t think I really knew how to be alone until today.

Because today I realized that no form of recognition or validation from elsewhere will ever take the place of the recognition and validation that I give myself.

And so maybe I’m starting today. Maybe I’m starting a new way of thinking, living, and breathing today.

Maybe that’s why everything has happened the way it’s happened for me. Maybe that’s why I’m sitting on my shitty Amazon couch that I put together using the wall as support, writing this post.

Maybe that’s why I am where I am today.

And that? That makes it all worth it —makes it all more than worth it.

And then some.

—

And so, even if you don’t love yourself yet, I dare you.

I dare you to do something for yourself you’ve been wanting to do.

And then I dare you to do it the next day. And the day after that. And the day after that. And the day after that for as many days or weeks or months or years as it takes.

Because I bet if you do, well I bet one day you’ll wake up, and you’ll realize you, finally, love the person you’re growing to be.