29

I turn 29 in about three weeks.

Entering the last year of my twenties — and honestly, lately I’ve been feeling pretty lost.

A couple weeks ago I slipped into some old habits and ways of thinking I thought I had squashed.

And that sucks. That sucks because I didn’t think this is where I’d be in my life at 29. Feeling a little lost, not really knowing what I want, and honestly, maybe even feeling a little insecure.

I remember thinking about my 10 year class reunion and where I thought I’d be when I approached the age of 30. It’s funny now, because I clearly didn’t have a sense of time and how long things take to build and attain (I used to imagine myself having a “driver” and my own business by now lol).

I thought I would have it all figured out.

The reality is I don’t have it all figured out, not even close.

I spent a majority of my mid to late twenties struggling with the concept of self-love. It seemed that no matter what I did — no matter how many people loved me or gave me the validation I needed — I could never truly love myself.

Before I realized this, I spent years trying to find that love in other places. In clothes, in Instagram likes, in food, and in job titles. I chased it in all the wrong places, sabatoging myself in the process.

I wondered why I couldn’t seem to meet someone when it seemed that all my friends were — but what I realize now is it’s because I wasn’t ready. It’s because I would have put too much of myself and my worth into that relationship as I searched for the love only I could ultimately give me.

And as much as this last year has been transformative for my mental health, even having glimpses of true self-love for the first time in a long time — I still don’t know if I’m ready.

I still have a lot of growing to do. A lot of self-love to find.

It’s a hard pill to swallow, as the pressure that comes with being a woman and getting older seems to grow stronger each day, that I still need time to build my foundation. That I still need time to be still and to learn to be happy with myself when things are quiet in my life.

When I recently felt lost, I did what I know best. I looked at my goals and tried to make a ton of changes to feel a sense of “purpose”. I added a bunch of to do’s to my list, I added events to my calendar. I tried to fill the empty space in my life.

But the thing is, it seems that the more I think I need to be pushing to the next portion of my life or making big changes, the further away I move from being the confident and solid person I want to be.

Because I think that’s what I’m supposed to learn.

I think this season of my life, this last year of my twenties, is for me to learn to be in that empty space. Is for me to learn how to love myself when it’s quiet. To remember my joy in the small things. To nourish myself. To be consistent in my self-care. To find things I enjoy — old and new. To find the love that others have for me, within myself.

So I don’t think I’ll be making a big announcement, or making huge changes in the next year. But maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be.

I think this season is meant to be quiet.

And I think that’s a good thing.