F*** the Answers

We're all searching for that one thing that's going to make us happy. The place, the job, the body. For those of us that are lost, or at least were, we want to know the answers. And we want to know the answers now. 

What job is finally going to make me happy? Will that city really be "mine?" 

We know we need something different  — something more, yet we over analyze until we can't tell left from right.

"What if I'm making the wrong decision? What if I'm going for the wrong reasons?

What if this isn't it?"

So the f*** what?

We spend so much time trying to find the answers before we jump — trying to perfect the landing before our feet even leave the ground. We strive to make the right decisions in the eyes of others, in the spirit of hearts, and in the feelings in our souls. 

And we try because we care. We want to be happy so badly, we want to find that "thing" because we are so passionate about the world and understand it's infinite nature.

We try so hard to see our next landing ground, but it isn't there. 

Because we have to jump.

We have to jump in order to find our answers.

Because answers, they're the things that come when you're so busy enjoying where you are, that you don't have time to question so much. 

They come when you least expect them, and sometimes, it takes you awhile to realize they've come at all. 

I'm not saying don't question — by all means, question. Question everything. Question if you're settling, question if you're being true to yourself, question if others are pressuring you — question it all. 

Just don't worry if you don't have the answers yet. 

I say, f*** the answers. 

Because the answers come after you jump. The answers come when you land. The answers come (personally) seven months into a move across the country you thought was going to be "it" for you. 

The answers will come if you free your mind from constantly trying to find them. 

The answers will always come, but only if you give them the room. 

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If you've read and/or paid even a little bit of attention to me on social media, you know a lot. You know that I've dealt with a lot of internal battles the past several years, you know that I've been active as hell on social channels, you know that I've yearned for more, you know that I've gotten lost, found, and lost again. 

I spent night after night searching for my answers. Each day coming up with my next entrepreneurial venture or plan to move to X city. I killed myself in pursuit of finding my answers, in finding what would make me happy — body, looks, city, job, career, clothes — you name it.

Everytime I came up with my new "answer" I went after it, setting myself on a perfect plan to attain it, only to fail, because, I am not perfect and because, I was going after the incorrect answers formulated from incorrect reasons.

I was going after the wrong things, because, I was not giving myself the time to let the right answers simply come.

Poor behavorial habits took ahold of me for years — spending, food habits, obsessive planning.

My world grew smaller and smaller as I yearned for it to be the biggest it had ever been — as I yearned to find the one thing that was going to "light me up" and open my perspective to infinite possibilities.

The more I tried to find this answer, the more I tried to find this thing that would create an open, free, and large world — the smaller my world would become.

At a certain point this year I came to the realization that things weren't working. I'd been falling into the same pattern for years. Plan after plan, wrong answer after wrong answer, perceived failure after perceived failure.

What was wasn't working? I took a look at my life and the things that were bringing me down rather than up. I changed shit. I let go of shit. 

I said, "f*** the answers."

And guess what? 

I got them. 

I got the answers.

Well, some of them. 

I still don't know my full career path. I still don't know where I want to end up. I still don't know so many things about life, who I am, and where I'm going. 

But I do know this. 

I know that I don't need to be the world's youngest, most successful, most publicly praised entrepreneur/blogger/influencer/speaker. I know I that I don't even care if I attain that all. I know that I enjoy working with people, facilitating projects — getting shit done. I know that who I am and who I'm with is a hell of a lot more important than where I am or what I'm doing. I know that my Instagram doesn't matter, that my weight and my looks are not what I need to succeed. I know that what's important to me is my family, my friends, my moments in the present — right now. I know that what I'm doing is good enough, that what I'm doing is actually pretty cool. I know that whatever I like is OK, that whatever I'm drawn to is OK, that everything about my life is OK. I know that my failures and my shortcomings and my struggles of my past and present don't define me, but rather, have shaped me into who I am today.

I know that I needed to jump to find out if this was right for me. I know that I need to continue to jump to find my answers. To quit worrying about when they will come. 

I don't know it all, but I do know a lot. 

And for once, I'm going to let myself be proud of that.