Maybe then

If you know me or you’ve read any of my writing over the years, you know that I put a lot of pressure on myself to do well in life. While I outwardly discuss it, I think a lot of us probably do.

First, it was pursuing ballet & being “the best”. Second, it was perfecting my body and being “perfect” in my looks. Third, it was moving to a major city in order to be seen as “worthy”. Fourth, it was building my own business because “that is the ultimate sign of success”.

And while I think there is value in going after things to find out what you don’t want versus what you do, and of course, you should always follow your goals & dreams — I wish more of us would ask ourselves “why” we’re going after them in the first place.

Because I realized the other day as I sat, for probably the 500th time, trying to figure out what a business would look like and what I was going to do — how I would monetize my writing and build a brand — that I don’t even know if I want that.

I realized that for my whole life, each time I have accomplished something & reached my carrot, I have placed another one in front of me. And each time, I have failed to sit back and ask myself if it was what I really wanted. 

I spend my time spinning my wheels trying to reach the next big thing, only to realize that half the time, I’m not happy once I get there.

I’ve been banging my head against a wall trying to figure out what I want to do, instead of realizing that what I am doing now in my life and career is what I want to do. Instead of realizing that there’s nothing wrong with doing well at your job, and prioritizing your hobbies, health, & friends and family — that your hobbies don’t have to be your livelihood.

For years I have preached to friends and family to not care what others think and to do what is best for them — to not follow timelines or expectations of others. What I have failed to realize is that I have been putting timelines and expectations on myself — timelines and expectations I have created in order to be “perfect” in the eyes of others. When truthfully, “others” never cared  what I did anyway.

I want to take a step back and think about what I actually want versus what I’ve decided I want. What actually makes me happy versus what I’ve told myself makes me happy. 

Maybe then I’ll stop chasing the next thing to make me feel worthy — maybe then I’ll realize that who I am in this moment right now has always been enough. Maybe then I’ll stop throwing carrots so far that I can’t reach — carrots I never wanted in the first place.

Maybe then I’ll take my own advice — living freely into what makes me, me.