30 & ACTUALLY THRIVING?

I turn 30 today.

Having a warped sense of age / time as one does when they’re younger, I always said that if I was still single at 30, I’d sell my stuff and travel the world.

Currently I’d probably have a desk and some clothes to sell, so I’m not sure what assets I thought I’d have in place by now to make this happen, but either way — I’m still single, and I will not be selling my stuff and traveling the world.

What makes me happy about that fact, is that I don’t even want to.

Even if I could, I don’t want to sell all my stuff and travel the world — or in other words, I don’t want to leave the life I have built for myself.

I’ve worked my ass off the last decade to get myself to where I am now. I’ve failed a million times on my journey to become who I am today. I’ve made a million mistakes.

And I wouldn’t take back any of it.

I wouldn’t take back the years I lived in my own head. The years I couldn’t figure out what was next. I wouldn’t take back the times I messed up, the times I have done wrong or others have done wrong to me. I have made peace with my shortcomings, and others’ shortcomings.

I have made peace with every single thing that has happened to me.

Because the one thing I’ve learned in the first 30 years of living — is that every single thing that has happened in my life has happened for me, not to me. Every single thing has brought me to this moment, where I can look back and understand it all.

Every single thing has molded me into who I am today — and I like that person. I like who I’ve become from years of work to be level headed and less impulsive (who the f would have thought huh?!). I like who I’ve become from years of work to be understanding and empathetic and supportive of my friends dreams.

I like who I’ve become from years of work to finally, truly, be supportive of me.

I know that my future will hold many tests for me. I know that there are so many lessons left to learn, so many experiences left to be had. I can’t predict the future and I don’t know exactly what mine looks like yet.

But I do know that no matter what I do, I will be okay — I will be happy — because now that I know what that feels like, I have no choice not to. I know what it feels like to not have my peace of mind, and now I cherish more than anything in my life, how it feels to have it.

But there is always room to grow. I’m going into the next decade / chapter of my life feeling happy, but not content. Happy with my life and how I’ve lived it, happy with who I am — and ready not for more, but for different. Ready to do different, grow different, experience different — be different.

I can’t wait to see what that different will look like.