Final Thoughts
I’ve been pretty dramatic about leaving Boston.
I’ve been pretty dramatic about leaving Boston because for the last 16 years, Boston has been the only thing I wanted.
I remember being 14 walking the streets, looking in the windows of brownstones in Back Bay, thinking “maybe, one day, maybe.”
I worked my ass off in my final years of college to build my resume and get the experience needed to be even remotely competitive with east coast grads. Working long summer days doing internships and jobs I used to say “Boston, Boston, Boston” to myself over and over again to get through.
Once the time was right, I started applying for jobs. For nearly two years I applied, and finally decided to make the jump without a job. I figured as long as I could get there, I’d figure out a way to make it happen. As soon as I made the decision, a job came along.
I moved to Boston a young, scared 25 year old carrying many demons within me. I was battling anxiety, some depression, and an eating disorder I didn’t understand.
I remember calling my dad a few days into the move “I don’t think I’m smart or good enough for this.”
But I was.
You see what I had failed to realize is that when I got to Boston, my demons and struggles would come with me. Many days I walked around the city and nearly went straight to the Subway stop to get to the airport to take a flight home.
But I didn’t go to the Subway. I didn’t go home.
The last five years have meant so much to me it’s difficult to put it all in one place or even in words. I’ve met best friends. I’ve learned so much and met my career goals. I killed cockroaches, flooded my apartment — gone dumpster diving for a desk. I dated, ate good food, traveled around New England — made memories I’ll never forget. I accomplished my lifelong dream of moving. I did what I had always set out to do.
But maybe the most important thing that happened the last five years, even more important perhaps than fulfilling my dream, is that I became who I am today.
When I got to Boston five years ago I was a shell of a young girl. I had little to no self esteem, I was on a hamster wheel I couldn’t get out of. I dealt with every hard time in my life with food or shopping or alcohol or external sources for comfort.
I’m leaving Boston a young woman who can navigate the unknown and hard times by relying on herself. Because I know I got me. You see I don’t know what exactly is next. There are a lot of unknowns in my life right now because Boston has always been my North Star… but this time, I’m relying on me.
I’m leaving a young woman that still has work to do on herself, yes, but I’m leaving a young woman who knows her worth, is confident in who she is and what she wants, and who knows she did the work to get through her struggles and demons.
I’m leaving not as the shell, but as the whole version of me.
I guess there are a couple reasons I’m sharing all of this:
If you have a dream, do it. Don’t wait. Figure out a plan and make it happen to the best of your ability. You’ll never look back and regret fulfilling it, even if it’s not forever.
There is no quick fix. Moving or any other decision will not fix you. You have to fix you. Do the work.
Dreams change as you do. Don’t be afraid to shift.
I think the next chapter of my life is meant to teach me how to live in the unknowns. To let life happen and see what unfolds instead of being driven by such a specific vision of the future. To not be so set on accomplishing things to put on paper. To have faith that even though I don’t know exactly what the future will look like, it will be as beautiful as I choose to make it.
I think the next chapter of my life is meant to teach me, maybe, how to just live.