Something clicked (again).
I’ve spent a lot of my adult life on a hamster wheel.
A hamster wheel I didn’t even know I was on.
Or maybe, one I did know I was on, but I didn’t stop, because I didn’t know how.
Because I didn’t know why I was on it.
Lately I’ve been feeling on the brink of something. I’ve been feeling like all of the years of failures, lessons, growth, and setbacks has happened for a reason. Like all of those are soon coming to a head — one where I can finally step into the next version of myself that my soul has been trying to bring my mind and body to for years.
The version of myself where I live a little more free, a little more light. The version where I don’t beat myself up over my shortcomings, where I believe in more for myself, for real this time.
You see there are certain areas of my life I have always believed in for myself. I never questioned my ability to perform in a job, and I never questioned my ability to maintain healthy relationships with friends and family.
There are also certain areas of my life I have not believed in for myself. I always questioned my worthiness to be financially stable. I always questioned my worthiness to be in a loving relationship. I always questioned my worthiness to write my own book or own my own home.
And, not shockingly, the areas I have never questioned — the areas I have always believed I am worthy of — those have flourished.
And, not shockingly, the areas I have always questioned — the areas I have never believed I am worthy of — have not.
You see these things I have not believed in for myself, are also deep desires. Creating meaningful work, being in a solid romantic relationship, living free from a scarcity mindset with money, being fully comfortable in my own skin — buying a house to call my own. Yet these things also always seem out of reach. They seem out of reach and unattainable because they seem like such hard work. And they seem like such hard work, because without them, I feel I am not worthy. And because I feel I am not worthy, they seem so far away, because I believe I must change myself in order to deserve them.
And this, my friends, is my hamster wheel.
It goes like this:
Without these external things, I feel unworthy. But to get these external things, I feel I must first feel worthy. And because I feel unworthy without these things, I feel desperate for them because they seem so out of reach. And the more desperate I am, the further away they go. The further away they leave. Because as I get more and more desperate, I feel more and more unworthy. And as I feel more and more unworthy & desperate, the more I make perfect plans and schemes to try to reach them. And the more I make perfect plans and schemes to reach them, the further away I am getting from my own knowing — from trusting myself and my gut and my intuition and all of the things that make me, me to get me to where I want to go. And then as I forget my intuition and how to trust myself, I question what I even wanted in the first place.
The more unworthy I feel, the more the plans seem more difficult to execute. The more the things I want seem further away. I feel more unworthy. I forget how to live without a plan. I lose my soul and my guide.
Rinse and repeat.
But what if I flipped the script. What if, instead of leading from a place of unworthiness because I do not have certain things, I led from a place of being worthy no matter what? What if I believed I deserved good things, instead of feeling guilty every time I get them?
Would I feel less desperate? Would I enjoy and appreciate more of the good things in life instead of feeling guilty? Would I be more mindful and present as I experience them? Would I quit overdoing because I feel “bad” that I’m doing things I “don’t” deserve?
Would I feel less scarce, and more abundant? Would I step out of my masculine energy “fix it” mode and into my feminine? What would happen then?
Would I eat what I want to eat without controlling because I deserve to? Would I go through my day leading with what feels right more than only what “should” be done?
What if I was already worthy? What if I quit planning, quit trying to make myself into a version of me that deserves the good things and instead let myself lead from my intuition and heart knowing that as I walk through life doing the best I can, the best will also come to me?
What if I let go of this need for perfection in all areas in order to be worthy?
What if I slowly step off the hamster wheel — and take back the sense of self I have always had within me?
What would come to me?
I’m ready for solid ground.
Quit trying to make yourself into a perfect version of you that is “worthy” of all the good things in life. It’s time to experience them.
The longer you place your sense of worthiness on external factors, the longer you’ll hold yourself back from reaching them. You are worthy now, no matter the circumstance you are in. Move forward to enhance your life, not complete it.