What would that be like?

I was talking to my coach this week.

I couldn’t figure out why I never seem to be able to make a choice about what I want to do and where I want to live.

What am I so scared of? Why can I not seem to make this decision?

I can’t make this decision because I’m scared that I’ll make a change — make a choice — and I won’t be happy. I fear that no matter what I do, I’ll wonder “what if” — I’ll see greener grass on the other side of the fence.

Maybe whatever I choose won’t make me happy.

Maybe nothing ever will.

It was as I shared those fears that we (she) realized how I’ve been living my life for years. I’ve been putting pressure on external sources to provide me my happiness. My city, my home, my job, my passions, my friends, my resume, my finances, my (fleeting) romances — my external life. And each and every time I do — I come up short. Each and every time I do — I think “what else? Isn’t there more?”

This simplified things in my mind. Because it showed me that, no matter what I choose, whether it is the PERFECT city for me or the PERFECT job for me or the PERFECT relationship for me… I will still not be happy.

I will not be happy until I am happy because of me, not because of my circumstances.

Because as I go through life putting pressure on these things to bring me this sense of wholeness — I am also taking away the magic they could hold for me if I let go of my expectations of what they should give to me. What if I was able to strip myself of the need to find happiness in a new place or new person or new job, and instead was able to just appreciate it for what it is or who they are?

What would that be like? How much richer would that life be?

I want to find out. Because I’m already someone that loves to travel, appreciates the smallest of details and the most miniscule of things from a beautiful tree on a drive to a stranger’s handwriting of my name on my to-go cup of coffee. I want to find out how much brighter and better life would be with this expectation removed — with this deep appreciation and presence gained.

We go through life putting expectations on all of the things around us to make us feel whole, instead of being present with them and appreciating them for what they are. We go through life trying to receive more from life than we give to it.