I get it

"It's like putting on bandaids to ride a bike — before you even fall." 

We're sitting in a (sketchy) parking garage, Thai food smelling up the car, weird music on the radio, staring at the night. 

"We're going to remember this conversation forever."

........

No one gets it.

No one understands why we change our mind so much. 

No one understands why, while we are grateful, we are constantly filled with so much unused spontaneity and creativity. 

No one gets it. 

We don't even get it. 

I don't even get it. 

I don't understand why I can't be content for more than 2 weeks. I don't understand why I love so many things that I can't just choose one. I don't understand why I yearn for something more, yet love everything I currently have. 

I don't get it.

But tonight, I think I finally might. 

I didn't get it. 

I didn't realize that the reason I am this way, the reason I can never make up my mind about my future, my dreams, and my goals, the reason I constantly feel at a loss for what I want — it's because I know exactly what I want. 

And more importantly, it's because I keep myself away from it. 

I deny it.

I hold myself back from exactly what I want to do, which results in untouched dreams, unfulfilled promises to myself, and untrue wishes. It results in unfulfilled plans and untouched schedules. 

It results in a feeling of failure every time, when I realize that my new plan, my next big dream — my new bandaid, isn't what I want at all. 

It's a vicious cycle. One filled with new plans and desires constantly. Ones that deep down you know you don't desire at all. 

I didn't get it. 

But now I do. 

I'm not holding myself back anymore. I'm not letting the fear of failure, the fear of not going with the crowd, the fear of letting myself and others down hold me back anymore. 

Because I'm already doing all of those things to myself simply by not going after what I want. 

I'm putting bandaids on before I even fall. 

I'm thinking of different paths to hide the fact that I could possibly fail at the one that I truly want. The one I truly love.

I get it now.

I get that no one else's dream is ever going to be your own. I get that you shouldn't ignore the feeling in your stomach. I get that you should be a little scared sometimes. 

I get that usually, you know exactly what you want.

I get that if you listen hard enough, your heart is telling you exactly what it is that you want to do.

I get that "the greats," well, they're the ones that were crazy enough to listen to it.