Perfection

Perfection: the condition, quality, or state of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects.

It's no big secret that I worry. I worry about my finances, my job, my family, my friends - my life. 

And to an extent, worrying is okay. I'm glad that I'm self-aware. I'm glad that I care. 

However it wasn't until today that I realized it's something I need to fix. 

Because it was today that I realized the root. 

Perfection. 

I want to be perfection. 

I want to be perfect. 

I want to be perfect in every aspect of my life, I want everyone to see me that way. 

It's exhausting. 

And it's definitely not fun. 

I preach to others to not care what people think. I give life advice to put things into perspective. 

Yet I go home and over analyze everything - was I good enough? Am I good enough?

Yes.

The answer is always yes.

Today, my worry got the best of me. 

Today, I was forced to make a day trip to the ER onset by an extreme anxiety attack (thought I was having a heart attack, fun stuff) - one that, had I not had an amazing friend with me by my side, would have potentially ended with me passed out in the Whole Foods parking lot (#holla). 

And once it was all over, how did I feel? 

Embarrassed. 

Embarrassed that I wasn't able to calm myself down. Embarrassed that I'm not logical and rational enough to figure this out on my own. 

Embarrassed that I wasn't perfect. 

Embarrassed that I'm not perfect. 

And then I realized that that right there is the root of my problem. 

My need to embody perfection is also the fuel to my anxiety. Anxiety that is clearly escalating into something more extreme. 

I'm good at hiding it, putting on a brave face. I spent the entire six hours joking with everyone at the hospital (humor for a coping mechanism, duh). But deep down, I was scared. 

I am scared. 

Because, I'm not perfect. 

But that is okay. 

It's more than okay. 

Perfection: the condition, quality, or state of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects. (BORING). 

And if you're boring, you're far from perfect. 

And I think it's time I start being okay with that.

The road to letting go of my need to please and succeed will be a rough one - imperfect, and remembering that that is perfectly okay, might be exactly what I need to get started.