I'm over it
This piece is not censored. This piece is not easy.
This piece is the start of what I hope is the rest of my life.
I took the last couple of months to do some really hard shit.
I’ve been dealing, for the past few years, with a lot of shit. A lot of shit, that I couldn’t really put a title on. That I couldn’t really tangibly say “hey, this is what is wrong with me and this is why.”
And I'm fucking over it.
No one really knew the extent except me, and no one really understood (none of which was their fault). I often got, "you're just in your own head a lot."
To which I would then looked down on myself for, rather than saying — "you're right, I am, can you help me get the fuck out?"
From the outside looking in, my life is great.
My life IS great.
So what has been wrong?
Something inside of me has been working incorrectly — not functioning at it’s optimal level.
What the fuck do I mean, you ask?
Well, I’m not totally sure. A combo of anxiety, depression, eating disorders — those fun things that I REALLY enjoy admitting to you I have dealt with.
But what triggered this? I have an amazing life, I have amazing people and abilities.
I don’t know what triggered this.
For the past few years, these things have come in waves. Starting as an obsession with my body which generally lead to weight gain, I also went to the emergency room for an anxiety attack, among other things.
Each time, though, I knew I was stronger. I could handle this, I told myself. “Just don’t be an idiot,” I often said.
So, I healthily lost 30 pounds. I got my anxiety under control. I pulled myself out of depression.
But guess what? After I got my anxiety under control, I went into a depression through disinterest in myself and my life.
Because something still wasn't there.
So I decided a few weeks ago, when I was at the best of my best, that I never wanted to do this to myself again. I never wanted to “handle” it because it’s “nothing really” only to see some other detriment to myself transpire.
Because the truth is, I can set up fitness plans, meditation time, and ways to soothe my anxiety all fucking day — but that is not the root of the problems.
So I knew they would be back.
So I did a lot of things. I wrote a difficult piece entitled “Rock Bottom” that I would love for you to read after this if you are so inclined (it's much prettier and I wrote it in a very vulnerable state of mind as I admitted this for the first time). This forced me to admit what was going on, because I had hit rock bottom, the worst of my worst.
And I am ready for the high of my highs.
In addition to the therapeutic writing session, I disconnected from social media a bit, something I have literally never done because I love connecting with others and blogging (and getting a little attention, I mean, let’s call it what it is).
I admitted some fucking HARD things to myself about the way my brain is wired, about the realities of different mental issues, and about the fact that I couldn’t do this alone anymore.
I couldn’t do this alone anymore.
Sure, I could lose weight again — I had done that previously. Sure, I could write in my gratitude journal every day and stay out of depression.
But I knew in my heart that something else might come back. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not in a year.
But something else in my own mind might creep back in looking to sabotage me again.
And I couldn’t let that happen.
I will not let that happen.
I donated a bunch of shit that wasn't providing value to my life. I started listening to some wonderful podcasts about life and happiness and applying what I liked to my own life. I lived with intention in everything I do. I went to some amazing TED Talks. I started practicing a daily morning routine filled with gratitude, life mottos, meditation, and exercise. Then I dumped said routine because it was putting way too much pressure on me to be perfect. I started asking myself the question, “how can I appreciate everything more?” I stopped trying to make my Instagram look like I'm a Urban Outfitters model BECAUSE I'M NOT. I switched my mindset from “have to” to “get to.” I approached new situations with the thought of what I can “give” rather than what I can “get.” I reached out to non-profits centered around mental health. I reached out to a few very close friends and I read books. I stopped drinking too much coffee or alcohol at one time to avoid anxiety/depressive thoughts.
I started being honest with myself.
I started being honest with myself.
You see I figured out my purpose a long time ago. I was put here to inspire others and help them to reach their best lives and happiness.
And if I wasn’t living it, how could I preach it?
I was inhibiting myself from giving what I was meant to give.
And that was tragic.
I knew that I had to fix what was going on in here (my mind), in order to go and fix what was going on out there. (more on that in “Rock Bottom”).
I didn’t want to share this, I didn’t want to admit this, I didn’t want to freaking work so hard at this.
Because I was embarrassed.
Why could I not figure this out?
Because I wasn’t meant to.
I was meant to seek help from others, learn strategies from others, and work on it EVERY GOD DAMN DAY OF MY LIFE.
And then, I was meant to share it.
Because, no I haven’t been through traumatic events. Yes, I lead a very lucky life.
But my story is still enough.
My story is enough.
My story is valid.
And I knew this was an opportunity to potentially help one of you.
Now, lots of events, behaviors, and conversations led me up to this point.
One in particular stands out as a turning point.
At Thanksgiving, I was crying about pretty much just my life, and my dad walked in and said, “your only enemy is you.”
And I realized that was true.
I realized it was me, my head, my thoughts.
But after a few months, I still couldn’t handle it.
And that’s when I knew something was going on up there that I needed to work on with others, share with others.
This piece of wisdom my dad offered me that day spoke to me so deeply, that for about two months, I was set on getting a tattoo reading “only enemy” on my side (but god forbid I get it now because OMG my body isn’t perfect… smh at those thoughts).
I wanted to never hold myself back again.
But as I write this, I have changed my mind (shocker, I know).
Because I am NOT my only enemy. I am NOT holding myself back. I am NOT the villain.
I am my best friend. I am my greatest accomplishment, my greatest tool, and my greatest contribution.
I am my best friend.
So over the past few weeks, I did many things, but the most important — is practicing self-love.
Because until I learn to love myself, accept myself, and LOVE and deal with every “messed up” and imperfect part of myself — I cannot live my life’s purpose.
I will never fully be able to give to others until I give to myself.
And so, this is why I have changed my thoughts on a tattoo (we’ll see if the ink gets drawn), to the words “for you.”
Because everything I do, I do for you. Every workout I finish, every healthy choice I make, every time I forgive myself for spending too much money on a shirt, every time I wake up and smell the roses, every time I have honest conversations, I do it for you.
I don't do it because I hate my thighs, I don't do it because I hate that I haven't been listening to podcasts in the morning.
I do it so that I can help you, whoever you are. And I do it because sometimes, “you” is actually me.
I am now dedicating every day of my life to connecting with others, to inspiring others, and to honoring my authenticity. It is going to be a never-ending journey filled with successes and failures, accomplishments and set-backs (already many).
I am now dedicating every day of my life to not hating myself for going through these different things, but thanking myself because these set-backs are what is going to push me forward and to share my stories and voice to help others.
And I am ecstatic. I am not ashamed. I am proud.
Because I am NOT that girl that sleeps for 11 hours a day. I am NOT that girl that doesn't feel the music and dance with vulnerability. I am NOT that girl that doesn't want to get out of bed in the morning. I am NOT the girl that loses connections with her loved ones.
I am the girl that sees beauty in a cup of black coffee. I am the girl that gets giddy over a pretty flower or old book. I am the girl that goes after her goals and has a hell of a good time while she does it.
And most importantly, I am the girl that loves.
So now, with a new "giving" and gratitude-filled mindset, with approaching everything with self-love over self-hate...
I am ready to move forward FOR YOU.
I hope you'll come along.
If you'd like to talk about more specifics (the podcasts I recommend, my routine, etc. or just shoot the shit on this tough subject), never feel like you can't text/call/message/email/contact me. That's what this is all about and you are not alone. In fact, if you feel some sort of connection I HOPE you reach out to me. Like I said in "Rock Bottom," I need this just as much as you.