Alone in a crowd of people
I never used to understand what it meant to be lonely in a group of people. To have conversations and leave feeling more misunderstood — more alone.
But I guess I never used to think so much either.
I never used to think so deeply, I never used to battle so many inner demons, I never used to be so, um, heavy with issues?
I never used to know what it was like to go home after a night out only to feel worse... but now I do.
I never used to know what it felt like to be completely misunderstood by loved ones... but now I do.
I never used to know what it felt like to blame others for things out of their control... but now I do.
I often get upset, frustrated, "feeling sorry for myself," sad, when I feel that those I open up to "just don't understand."
Well, duh, they don't.
We're all intricate people, we all have different aspects of ourselves that we either show off to the world, or hide behind closed doors. We're all complex, we're all simple, we're all beautiful in our own way.
There is no way, that one person on this Earth, can understand my insecurities, my career aspirations, what I deal with on a daily basis, my financials, my interests, my hopes and dreams, my motivation.
There is no way that my mom, my soulmate (where you at?), my dad, or my best friend can FULLY get every part of me.
In fact, no one can.
No one can fully understand you, because no one is you. No one is in your head (bless up), no one is experiencing life through your lens. Just as you cannot fully understand the person sitting next to you, they cannot do the same for you.
I believe that everything happens for a reason.
People, books, conversations, events... it happens for a reason.
No one is meant to understand every part of you, because certain people are meant to deeply, deeply understand different aspects of you.
My mom understands my need for socializing, for taking life as an adventure, and for brushing things off when others would frown.
My dad understands my need for change, for socializing (with beer), for wanting to eventually one day work for myself.
My best friends separately understand my career and aspirations, my battle with vulnerability and letting intimacy in, my fights with mental health, and my need to go out until the sun comes up just because I can.
I think Steve Jobs once said that you can only connect the dots looking backward, and right now I am doing just that. Different people came into my life when I needed them most, though I didn't know it then. Have you ever written, "I don't know what I would do without you," to someone you've known for only a year? How did they come into your life?
I'll bet it was for a reason.
So yes, I know what it's like to be lonely in a crowd. I know what it's like to try to pour out my heart to someone that doesn't necessarily understand it. But I also know what it's like to be deeply understood in some aspects by another. And most importantly, I know what it's like to have people in my life that, even if and when they don't understand, try their best. And when they fail, they support me just the same.
People's ability to understand what you are going through is not a reflection of how much they care.
It is not right to blame someone for things out of their control.
It is the people that sit by you while you process it out, the people that tell you to go for it even if they don't know why, the people that give you a glass of wine when they can tell you need it — those are the people that care, those are the people that matter.
It is the people that understand the small parts of you that make you whole, that matter.
So yes, it's possible to feel more alone around others, but it's really all about how you look at it... as with most things in life — it is not black and white.