I realized today that I've been living in an insane world. A world I created for myself, in which I am supposed to be something incredible.
Something, well, perfect.
I grew up with a bit of a pride complex through achievements in ballet. Always striving to be better - to be the best. I performed, people knew my name.
Striving to be the best, and being disappointed if I was not - it became my default.
When I realized I probably wouldn't be the smartest person in school, I decided to not really try at all - might as well be the best at slacking off, right?
When I got to college and found socializing, I essentially decided to be one of the best at going out (plus, it was fun). Oh, you want to go to the bar? Stasia's always down.
When I found my love for my career - I worked EVERY internship and job I could in order to set myself up for ultimate success (and offset the years of said bar excursions. Plus, I do love my career).
Fast-forward to now.
I'm a normal, middle-class, semi-fit but semi-not, sorta-funny but also sorta-not, somewhat good but also needs a lot of work writer - I'm average.
And I've finally realized that I (need to be) am okay with that.
I've lived in a world for several years in which I needed to be the best writer, the best social media-er, the best employee, the best body builder, the best drinker, the best eater, the best morning routine-er, the best socialize-r, the best aspiring entrepreneur... just, the best.
I've lived in a world where the weight of my shoulders matched that of well, the weight of the world.
All self-inflicted, self-sabatoged, self-driven.
At some point in my life I got it in my head that if I couldn't be perfect, if I couldn't live in a world where not one person made a negative remark about me - then I wasn't good enough, nor did I deserve to be.
Others are always right. I am always wrong. If you bump me in the aisle, well, it's my bad. (Though in business I'm more than willing to voice my opinion... maybe that's why I cling to work... but we'll get to that at another time).
If one negative remark is made, well then everyone must be thinking it, right? If I'm thinking something negative about myself, then everyone must be, right?
Actually, that's pretty wrong.
It's pretty wrong that everyone around you is constantly thinking about your shortcomings, because, no one cares that much. It's actually a bit self-centered to think they even care enough to consider your downfalls so deeply in the first place.
My need to be perfect in every way, it caused a lot of tough days. Because I am, without a doubt, the farthest thing from perfect. And my need is what fueled most of it.
When I realized that this isn't really how life works, when I graduated from my glory days in college and found the adult world staring at me - when I realized that I was just me, I kind of freaked.
I tried to be perfect in all things. I tried to find "my thing" as was with dance. Could I be the best snowboarder? Extreme runner? The youngest entrepreneur?
What was my thing?
I didn't really have one.
I dabble in workouts, I run every once and awhile. I blog sometimes. I enjoy coffee but don't really know anything about different roasts.
My need to be perfect with my finances, my career, my apartment, my friends, my body - it overwhelmed me... it made me hate myself when I couldn't live up to it.
It made me give up, it made me punish myself, it made me cry.
It made me live in a world of unrealistic expectations, but only for myself.
I somehow learned that having a good job and great friends wasn't good enough. That being known by a few wasn't "my destiny."
I somehow learned that unless I made it to the big-time, well, I just wasn't living up to my potential.
But that's not true.
Not even a little.
This isn't me giving up on dreams or writing off my goal of sharing my words - but it is me realizing that even if I die tomorrow, I have helped even one... and my life already is enough.
I am already enough.
So now, instead of getting addicted to working out or looking perfect or having the perfect career - I'm going to work on getting addicted to not being perfect.
Because I am flawed beyond belief. I am messy. I am contradictory.
I am me.
And I am not average - no one is. We are all incredible. We are all great.
We are all enough in our own way.
We are all enough, and if this is "average," well, it's a pretty good place to be.