Letting go

What's up guys. I'm going to rant it out a little, probably because I watched Popstar last night and I'm in rap mode, probably also because I'm really effing over it (it being what you're about to read).

Do you know what it's like to literally try to figure out what you want to do with your life every single f***ing day? Do you know what it's like to think you've found your life path, to think you've had an epiphany, only to crumble the next day into a pile of your clean clothes you decided not to put away (aka you realize it's not what you want at all)? Do you know what it's like to put so much pressure on yourself, that literally NOTHING you could do with your career and life will EVER be good enough in your own eyes? 

If you do, well, I'm sorry. But also, if you do, well, welcome. 

And, if you're not that extreme, but you do struggle with who you are and where you're going... this one is for you. 

I'm not really sure when I became this person. Actually, that's a lie - I do. As soon as I decided not to be the party girl, doesn't give a f*** girl in college, and as soon as I found marketing and PR - I became obsessed with my brand, my image - my career. I've always been someone that needs praise and attention (yeah, I'll admit it), and I've always been someone that needs to be the best at everything she does (yeah, I'll admit that too). I've also always been someone that needs to be perfect in whatever it is I'm pursuing... being the perfect party girl, that was pretty easy. Being the perfect "adult" that, kids, is impossible. 

So I became this person that obsessed over their resume and their brand, what their Instagram bio was and who thought they were the best in their field. I became, sort of a monster, though behind the scenes. And, I mean, it worked. I got lots of jobs, was employed before school was over, etc. etc. etc. 

But this obsession, it never stopped. This need to have a perfect image, it never ended. 

I am so tired, you guys. 

I am so tired of changing my Instagram bio when NO ONE EVEN CARES WHAT IT SAYS.

I am so tired of changing my mind about what I want to do with my career path. I'm so tired of coming up with business ideas and never following through. I'm so tired of chasing happiness that might not even be there. 

I'm so tired of thinking the grass is greener. 

Believe me, I WISH I was someone that could be content with a normal career path. I WISH I was someone that only lived in the moment. I really really wish.

But I'm not. I'm a dreamer, a believer, a goal seeker. But the problem, is that I always have a goal in mind for the future, but I'm never even totally sure what that is. 

Add in social media and comparing myself to the cool-ass business owner over there, and you're looking at 5 career changes in your mind per week. Like what the f*** is that? 

I'm tired. 

I'm tired of searching. I'm tired of branding. I'm tired of boxing myself in. I'm tired of changing. 

I really just want to find out what's next. I really just want to find out how to be me. 

Stasia. 

And to do that, well, I'm letting go. I'm letting go of this need to brand myself in the eyes of others. I'm letting go of this need to be an entrepreneur right now, today. I'm letting the f*** go. 

I'm working hard, I'm taking life as it comes. I'm following what I'm drawn to rather than what is "on brand."

I'm lost on my way to a goal - and I'm okay with that.

I'll prob fail at this multiple times, but I mean, at least I'm trying.

Shout out if you want to join me.