let go
Bear with me cause it’s gonna get cheesy. I’ve had a trip planned to Reno in May ever since I moved to the east coast. Having gone through some shit and gained a little weight as a result my last year in Reno, I had this idea in my mind of coming home and seeing old friends looking like the NPC model they had seen me as when I “peaked.” So, I put myself on meal plan after meal plan in Boston - still turning to bad habits again and again (sabatoging and feeling a prisoner in my own life). I realized then that the move wasn’t what I had needed to change my relationship with food and my own skin to a positive one. It wasn’t about my geographic location, it was about feeling at home within my own body, no matter where I was on a map. Because the truth is, I started my life over yet remained exactly the same. So last week I decided to fucking let go.
For the first time in 6 years I said, no meal plans, no diets, no workout plans. Just fucking live. Fuel your body, move, go out and have fun, eat some chocolate when you want some chocolate instead of thinking you’re on another binge (aka this isn’t the last time you’re going to be allowed to eat chocolate, in fact, you can every day if you want). SEE yourself as the world sees you. I decided to get to know myself again, and to get back to who I used to be before this bullshit took over so much of my life. I forced myself to accept that I might not look like I lost 20 million pounds when I see my loved ones - and I finally said “that’s okay.” Why? Well, number one, they’re my loved ones and they could give a shit what I look like as long as I’m happy, and second, is being “skinny” for one weekend of your life more important than getting over this for the rest of your life? Of slowly getting to a healthy place by freeing your mind? And also, do you even look bad right now? Where did that idea come from? I chose the latter.
Because see, all of this shit forced me to really look inside myself. Are you that judgmental that you don’t think you’re body’s good enough? A curvy body isn’t good enough? Do you judge others on their looks, too? Are you jealous of your friends that seem to have balance figured out rather than happy for them for being at peace? Why the fuck is skinny what you even want? When did that become such an important value to you rather than what is inside? What makes you think people even think twice about your weight?
I got tired of trying to be someone else because maybe if I want to eat cheese and wine in my life, well maybe I’m not going to be a size 2. I don’t even know if that’s true because I’ve never allowed myself to try to eat what I want without repercussions in my own mind. I got tired of people asking, are you dieting right now? What can you eat? I got tired of not being the carefree person I know I am. I got tired of living my life counting down weeks til the next event, figuring out what I needed to do to achieve the perfect body in time- then making no progress at all and bashing myself over and over when I failed. I'd rather be a little curvy and feel free than be a stick and feel a god damn shell of a person. I'd rather let my body do its thing and live intuitively than let this take up so much space. I'd rather not judge myself and others for their looks because whether you’re a size 0 or a 12 I could give a shit as long as you’re a good person and try to live your life by doing the right thing. I'd rather live what I preach to others, about balance and self-love, instead of writing about it and then cropping every photo I take in order to hide parts of me, or saying no to dates because god forbid he SEES me. I'm done with that. I’m posting this because I need to publicly be done with that.
Whether you are, in your mind, skinny or fat or any of the above, I hope you just love yourself for it. I hope you let yourself be free with it. I hope you know you’re god damn amazing for it.
We all look different and that’s just one of the great things about life. When did that become a negative?
I don't know, but for me, it’s not anymore.
A fucking men.