mistakes

I've done it all for the wrong reasons.

I've taken the job, I've done the move, I've posted the Instagram, I've lost the weight.

I've done it all. 

I've done it for the praise. I've done it for the looks. I've done it to be great. 

And along the way, I've seen many things as wrong.

But maybe all of my shortcomings — all of my perceived failures — maybe those were actually my successes.

Maybe taking five years to graduate college instead of four was a success, because I was living so invested in the moment and allowing myself to be imperfect — that I needed that extra time to grow. 

Maybe not following my destiny of being a ballet dancer was not my biggest regret, but one of my biggest successes — because I didn't let others perceived thoughts of my choices get in the way of my desire to be "normal."

Maybe me deciding to put my entrepreneurial ventures on hold to figure out me, is one of my greatest accomplishments rather than one of my biggest mistakes. 

Because I don't need to be the youngest, prettiest, fittest, nicest, down for anything, most perfect person anymore. 

I miss the girl that didn't worry if she said something stupid, the girl that didn't need to please every single person she came across, the girl that didn't feel immense guilt for anything she ever possibly did to wrong someone. 

I miss her. 

I miss the girl that did things because she wanted to, because they made her feel good instead of look good. 

I miss the girl that could care less about the fanfare. 

I want to do things because I want to do them, not because they make more people like me or give me status. 

I want to do things for the right reasons, rather than feeling more empty and alone. 

I want to do things that actually, truly fill me up. 

What does that mean? I couldn't tell you if I tried. But it doesn't mean fame, money, or looks. 

I know what it doesn't mean, because I've lived what it doesn't mean.