THAT'S PRETTY IRONIC

This this the story of a girl, who cried a river and drowned the whole world. 

Jk, but also not. 

For so long, I thought that the reason I turned to self-sabatoging behaviors was because of my current situation. 

I'm unhappy, because I'm not at the right weight. I'm bummed, because I'm not where I want to be. I turn to unhealthy habits, because I'm unfulfilled and lonely.

I'm unhappy, because I'm not where I want to be yet — I'm stuck. 

We all thought — I thought, that moving and trying something new was what I needed to stop being sad, to stop self-loathing and to stop practicing bad, "quick-fix" habits. 

I thought the reason I was unhappy was because I wasn't where I wanted to be. 

Wait for it...

Thinking I needed to be somewhere else was actually the exact thing that made me unhappy. 

LOL.

Constantly thinking I am not enough, my city is not enough, my size is not enough, my hair is not enough, my writing is not enough, my travels are not enough — my life is not enough.

Constantly thinking that if I JUST got to the next city, if I JUST got to my goal size, if I JUST became the world's youngest entrepreneur even though that's not even possible (wtf) — well then I would be my best me. 

That frame of mind is what made me my worst me.

I kind of have to laugh here. It's a bit funny, that what I thought was the key to happiness, was what was making me unhappy in the first place. 

Why does this happen? Why do you get unhappy when you think you won't be happy until you accomplish the next thing?

Because when you give your goals absolutes, when you decide that your life is NOT COMPLETE until they are seen through, when you constantly envision yourself in the future — you begin to loathe where you are, you begin to forget where you are. You begin to believe the story you have told yourself to be true — that everything sucks because you're not where you could be, where you think you should be.

Dreams are great. Dreams are important. 

Dreams are not your ticket to happiness. 

Or at least, completing them is not. 

Because when you live your life this way, the truth is, your dreams will never be enough. You'll accomplish one just to think of the next. You'll finish one thing just to start another.

You won't realize that while you're checking off your goals, your plans, and your dreams — you are forgetting to live.

And I don't want to realize this too late.

I believe in taking calculated risks, I believe in jumping, I believe in working on goals and dreams, I believe in following your heart. 

But I also believe in today. 

I believe in not thinking I NEED something else in order to be happy. 

Because the truth is I don't need anything else. Not one thing. 

Here's a random run-on sentence because I realized I always end my pieces with a melodramatic small phrase and I'm over it rn and in the words of Mark Manson, "I don't give a f***."