What I see on my screen

“Would you crave the things you do if social media didn’t exist? And if not, are the things you crave a reflection of what your life, body and mind really needs? Or a reflection of the standards you’ve set yourself based on what you consume and follow?”

That hit.

If you know me, you know I’m a big dreamer. You know I’m passionate about most things—that I can see so many lives for myself because I believe in possibility and am excited often. This is why the below quote from The Bell Jar is one of the most relatable snippets of literature I’ve found so far:

As I have grown and evolved, my dreams have expanded to career goals and entrepreneurial endeavors—to big spaces and big places.

And, in the past, as I evolved and my dreams evolved with me, I found myself confused a lot.

I found myself lost quite a bit as I navigated my early and mid-twenties. Lost in a world where I was trying to find my purpose, my passion—the life I was meant to live. I saw possibility in everything and everyone, but I was quick to jump to the next big thing or change my mind.

One day, I wanted to be the next big blogger, the next I wanted to own my own marketing firm, the next I wanted to get into events. One day, I wanted to move to NYC, the next LA, the next Montana.

I was down on myself for being this way. I felt impulsive, scatter brained—at times all over the place. It seemed that just when I thought I had found my true dream something else would come along and I was back to where I started.

Lost.

At some point, I got tired. I got tired of dreaming new dreams, making new plans—feeling disheartened when I realized, yet again, that they weren’t for me.

And so I stopped.

I stopped dreaming, scheming—believing. I became exclusively smart, pragmatic—reasonable.

The thing is though, those dreams and plans and those changed mindsets didn’t make me sporadic or non-committal or confused or naive—those dreams made me me.

Someone wildly passionate, filled with hope—someone that dares to see possibility.

I recently accomplished a large life goal for myself, you could say I accomplished the life goal for myself. And so recently, I’ve been thinking about what I want next.

I’ve found myself back to where I was in my early and mid-twenties—lost.

So this time, I asked a question… why?

Why do I keep getting lost? Why do I want New York one day and Montana the next? Why do I keep getting lost?

Now, I’m the kind of person that watches a TV show based in Seattle and suddenly wants to move to Seattle. The kind of person that visits Texas and suddenly wants to live in Texas. I’m this way because I can see so many lives for myself—because I get excited about what could be.

“Would you crave the things you do if social media didn’t exist? And if not, are the things you crave a reflection of what your life, body and mind really needs? Or a reflection of the standards you’ve set yourself based on what you consume and follow?”

Why do I feel lost? Why do I want New York one day and Montana the next? Why do I keep getting lost?

I feel lost because as soon as I get clear on something I see one million other options in front of me. I choose chicken for dinner, I go on my phone and see pizza. I choose to wear sneakers, I see boots. I choose a career in marketing, I see a teacher. I choose living in Boston, I see New York. I choose a single life of travel and career, I see settling down and family.

I, every day, see everything I’m not. Everything I could be.

Every single option that is in front of me.

It’s no wonder I sometimes get lost.

What I now wonder, is what I would want if I wasn’t consuming everyone else’s lives. If I wasn’t integrated into the daily lives of all those I follow. If I didn’t have the ability to show off what I was doing to those that follow me.

I wonder what I would want if my mind wasn’t filled with perfectly filtered and staged pictures of others’ lives to compare to.

I don’t want my passion for life, my belief in possibility, and my big dreamer mentality to be a paralyzer for me, I want it to allow me to unleash and go after everything I’ve ever wanted.

Everything I truly want.

Not what I see on my screen.

So I’m going to find out. I’m going to find out what I want outside of what I consume.

I’m going to be open to what that looks like.

I’m going to go after whatever that is.