Inside Your Worth
I don’t know if it’s because of technology, my expectance of instant gratification, the way we all hide from conversations instead of having them, my curse of extreme self-awareness, or my own inner need (that yes, needs therapy-d) for recognition — but I’ve noticed that the older I’ve gotten, the more I put my worth into things outside of myself.
The more I put my worth into outcomes that do not lie within me.
Take career.
If I don’t get that title, then I am a failure. If I don’t say the perfect thing, then I am a failure. If I don’t foresee a result, then I am a failure.
Then I am not worthy.
Then I am worthless.
Take body image.
If I don’t fit perfectly in my “skinny” jeans, then I am a failure. If I don’t follow my diet perfectly, then I am a failure. If I don’t follow a plan to get to the perfect body in three weeks (lmao), then I am a failure.
Then I am not worthy.
Then I am worthless.
Ugh, and then, I guess, take dating.
If I don’t get a text back, then I am a failure. If I don’t get a second date, then I am a failure. If they don’t like me enough, then I am a failure.
Then I am not worthy.
Then I am worthless.
And this is dangerous.
This is dangerous because often, I am motivated to go after things for others. I am motivated to workout for an Instagram post, move to a city for my resume, look a certain way for another.
I am putting my potential, my drive, my motivation, my dreams, my worth — into others.
Now, while working to make others proud, to help others be it your boss or someone you mentor, and to share ideas and thoughts with others is of course, important (not to mention wildly productive), there comes a danger when it is for the wrong reasons.
When it is for praise, for recognition, for filling a hole within you — for finding your worth — there comes a danger.
Why?
You can’t control it.
You could do everything right. Hit every workout. Accomplish every financial goal. Take every correct career move.
Someone will still not approve.
Someone will still make you feel unworthy.
Someone will still make you feel worthless.
Take career.
You could say everything right. Work around the clock. Get every promotion.
Someone will still not think it’s enough.
Take body image.
You could attain your ultimate fitness. Do competitions. Be “perfect” in regard to current societal standards (whatever the f those are at the time).
Someone will still think you’re too fit, too big, or not fit enough.
Take dating.
You could look perfect. Act perfect. Play your cards perfect.
Someone will still find you to be too much. Too little. Too regimented. Not regimented enough. Too fun. Too boring. Too ready to settle down. Not ready to settle down enough.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my seemingly innate need to be liked and accepted by all. While this is something that has been with me since adolescence, I can’t help but think technology and the way we handle ourselves now plays a part.
With social media, for example, it is now not enough to simply be well-liked by my friends and family, it is now only good enough to be liked, literally “liked” by all. And morover, it is now impossible to get away from a screen filled with perfect lives, places and faces. It is impossible to separate your own wants from the wants you’re being conditioned to want in order to be accepted through your screen.
With relationships, as another example, we live in a world where getting to know someone and then deciding to drop them with the same amount of thought you use to decide on a TV show is the norm (maybe a bad example, lots of shows nowadays). There is no patience or attention span for conversation—for compromise—for simply taking the time to get to know the others’ perspective or side.
If you aren’t instantly satisfied, well then it’s on to the next.
Well then they were too much. Then they were too little. Then they didn’t want the same things.
Well then it wasn’t meant to be.
While we live in a time where instant gratificiation and approval is a norm, it is also a norm to not receive mass approval and to be dropped just like that.
In most areas of my life, I used to kill myself in the pursuit of being accepted (praised) by all. Career choices, style choices, fitness choices, financial choices, dating choices.
If I didn’t get a job, I blamed myself. If a relationship didn’t work out, I blamed myself. If I didn’t find radical approval from all of those around me, I blamed myself.
While this can be, and is, an important (not to mention wildly productive) way to learn from experiences, take ownership of your life, and refuse to play victim in the pursuit of what you want — there comes a danger.
There comes a danger because you will never have everyone’s approval. And the more you bash yourself when you don’t get it, the more you will bash your confidence, your drive, your motivation — your sense of worth.
The more you don’t get it, the more you will seek it.
And the more you seek it, the more you will fail.
When I was in the season of life of killing myself in pursuit of others’ approval, I did a few things. I apologized to no end—I apologized for existing. Every time I “failed”—I went back and tried to get that approval even harder than before. I constantly saw the good in others—I forgot to see the good in myself. I shut down things that were a part of me—I hid my writing, my dreams—things that might be “too much” in the pursuit of others’ approval.
I continued to kill myself for the approval of all.
I continued to fail.
I am someone that likes achieving (freaking shocker right?!). I like being optimal. I like being efficient. I like reaching goals. I like going after dreams. I like to succeed.
What I realize now, is that the reason I have failed at certain things time and time and time again, is because my measurement of failure and success was all off.
I was measuring my success, my achievement, my failure, my goals—my worth—in the approval of others.
I was setting out to do things for others’ reactions, instead of my own.
I was setting out to find my worth in something I could never control.
Something I would never be able to control.
Something I could never achieve—something I would never achieve.
The thing that’s funny about all of this, is that I only want to be around people that love, like, praise, support, want to hang with—want to date— me, for me.
Because truthfully you will always be too much for someone. Too little for someone else. Too driven for someone. Not driven enough for someone else. Too accomplished for someone. Not accomplished enough for someone else.
I’d rather spend my life doing things for me—setting out to do things for me—things that I love, things that I want, things that I am—for me.
Because no matter what, someone won’t like it anyway.
And when I’m doing things for me? When I’m finding my worth within me? When I’m finding success from the inside instead of out?
Well who knows what jobs, dreams, goals, friendships, relationships—experiences will come my way.
Who knows who and what will go, and more importantly, who and what knows who will stay.