Dating 2021

“Well you’d be ready to meet someone and settle down, right?”

I was asked this question recently by a family friend after we spent some time talking about the dating lives of those in their early to mid-twenties.

I’m 28, almost 29. I’ve been “officially single” for a majority of my twenties (wait, actually all of them). I’ve dated both short term and long term, but I haven’t had a “boyfriend.”

When I was asked this question, I responded with the below.

“If I meet the right person and our goals and lives align, of course I am.”

For a long time, I closed myself off to intimacy. In my early / mid-twenties I was dealing with a lot of demons in my own head. I’ll spare you the details, but at the end of the day, I didn’t think I was worthy of love or affection. I felt I needed to be perfect in every way in order to deserve it. I feared letting myself be vulnerable again, because I feared that no one would see me that way. What I began to fear more though, as I became more and more self-aware of my lack of self-love, was how I would react to the rejection.

And so I hid away. I said “no” to any and all dates. I ghosted almost-boyfriends before anything truly started. I focused on my career (and, admittedly, building my portfolio of clothes in my closet). I gave into my demons, feeding myself with instant comfort over long-term happiness.

Numbing myself to the pain of life, while simultaneously numbing myself to the joy.

But then I got over it. Through time, and years of serious effort and work — I was able to put (most of) that behind me.

And still, single.

I think often people assume I’m still locking myself away. That I’m in my own head — trapped in a horrifying world of my own making.

But I’m not.

Not anymore.

Discussing how to show up differently to those that know what you’ve been through is probably a discussion for a different day, but that state of hiding — that’s not where I live anymore.

And I haven’t for quite some time.

So why am I single?

Lol. Do you have 7 hours?

Jkkkkk.

I’m single because I haven’t met the right person yet. I’m single because I may have met the right person when I wasn’t ready yet. I’m single because I may have met the right person when they weren’t ready yet.

I’m single because it hasn’t aligned, and I don’t plan on getting in a relationship to get in a relationship. I don’t plan on doing anything short of being with someone that makes my life bigger and better, not smaller and scarier.

“If you wanted to be in a relationship and engaged — you would be.”

I hear that a lot.

Of course I want that. Of course I want to meet someone on the same page. Someone I can look at across the room and know what we’re both thinking. Of course I want a partner to do life with — to motivate each other and travel and build something we’re proud of and do all the things.

But I’d rather be alone than do that with the wrong person. To do that before I was ready. Before they were ready. Before it flows.

And truthfully, dating in this time is hard.

Pandemic aside, we live in a world where there’s always a quick “next.” A next shoe to buy, a next Instagram story to scroll — a next person to text.

Because it’s so easy to find that “next,” we’re quick to discard what’s in front of us.

If someone’s plans for the week don’t fit perfectly with ours, if someone doesn’t check a box — we bounce — myself included.

We’re more concerned about feeding our own ego than learning about someone new. We’re not in it for them, we’re in it for us.

We spend our days chasing shiny new objects and instant responses. Numbing ourselves from the pain of life, while simultaneously numbing ourselves from the joy.

We watch videos on social media that make light of our toxic habits. Of how we only go for those that don’t like us and how “all men/women are trash.” But the truth is, we go for those people because we’re searching for approval. We’re searching for attention and validation.

And it’s not our fault. We live in a time where we don’t know any different. We’re addicted to it. The dopamine. The pain. The next hit.

We scroll our phones and laugh at how awful the dating world is, writing everyone off as “never wanting a relationship” or being a “f boy,” while forgetting that what we’re consuming is what we’re living.

That we’re manifesting a worse tomorrow.

But there are people out there — like (maybe) you, and like me — who want something deeper, something real — even if they won’t admit it yet.

I believe that.

I believe there are people out there — like (maybe) you, and like me — who want to meet their best friend. Who want to be with someone that lights their life up — who makes them better, too.

But we have to believe that we deserve those people. That we’re worthy of something real.

That we’re better than an ignored text. A swipe right.

That we’re worthy of nothing less than a best friend. A partner.

Someone we can count on.

We deserve to get past our demons. To let people come, to let people go. To not go for those that don’t like us back. To negotiate and have patience and put in the work AND NOT DISCARD EVERYONE IMMEDIATELY in order to find the right person.

So why am I single?

I’m single because I haven’t met the right person yet. I’m single because I may have met the right person when I wasn’t ready yet. I’m single because I may have met the right person when they weren’t ready yet.

I’m single because it hasn’t aligned, and I don’t plan on getting in a relationship to get in a relationship. I don’t plan on doing anything short of being with someone that makes my life bigger and better, not smaller and scarier.

I’m single for a lot of reasons. But believing I deserve more for myself isn’t one of them.