Inward

Elementary school. Middle school. High school. College/trade school/work/family/travel/et al.

For many of us, the first 18-23 years of our life are planned for us. We have walls.

What we do within those walls is up to us, or our parents, or other other external expectatants, but those walls are built for us.

We live within them.

When we complete the “traditional” portion of our lives, when we reach the outskirts of these walls — the rest is up to us.

The rest — where we live, what we do, where we are with money, relationships, career — life — that is up to us.

As I navigated these later years — these mid- to late-twenties — I often felt more lost than I felt found.

My mind changed weekly, daily — hourly. I went back and forth on what I wanted. I want to live here, I want to live there. I want to do this, I want to do that. I want to be single, I want to settle down. I want to strive for this, I want to strive for that.

Nothing I landed on was ever good enough.

I recently sat down and got clear on what I want. I wrote out my smaller goals for the year, and I wrote out my visualization for the future. As I did this, I did my best to remove judgment — from others, and from myself.

My goals and dreams are pretty simple at the moment. As an example, I’m not saving for a dog, a car, a wedding, or a house. I’m saving to save — I’m saving to feel good about my position and to feel able to do what I want, when I want. After I wrote this out, I started to pass judgment.

“Most if not all of your friends are saving for houses, weddings — a family. Why aren’t you there? Why aren’t you ready?”

I got lost.

I realized at that moment that as I have navigated figuring out what I want to do with my life and who I want to become — the times I have been confused or lost — those are the times when I have been comparing myself and my wants to that of others. They’ve also been the times that I have been thinking about what reaction my accomplishments and life decisions will spark in others.

I am only lost when I am looking elsewhere to guide me.

I am only confused when I am looking outward, rather than inward.

And I don’t think I’m alone. Between the “make your passion your job & build your boss life” culture (btw, nothing wrong with that, I just think we need to be cognizant that that is not the ONLY way to lead a fulfilled life), and the technological landscape we live in (sup, social media) — what are we supposed to do? How are we supposed to not compare and take into consideration what others think of our choices?

How are we not supposed to question ourselves every step of the way?

We wonder if our career is progressing fast enough, we wonder if it’s progressing too quick, too soon. We wonder if we’re saving enough, we wonder if we’re enjoying our youth. We wonder if our relationships are far along enough, we wonder if everything is happening too soon.

We wonder if we’re doing it right.

We look to others for reassurance.

We compare.

We, without meaning to, question others’ decisions because we are so afraid of our own. “They’re moving too quick. That was too big of a risk. They don’t really want to settle in in that house just yet, I know.”

But, for the most part, this is usually just a reflection of our own questions about our own decisions.

Questions have a place. Questions are good. Questioning our decisions and our dreams and wants is important in order to ensure we are going for things for the right reasons, that we are truly going for what we want.

But the questions that involve the decisions and reactions of others — those are the dangerous ones.

Because the times we are not lost, the times we are not confused — those are not the times we are scrolling social media for inspiration, seeing the lives of everyone else. Those are not the times we are wondering if our choice or dream or want is “good enough” for others.

The times we are not lost are the times we are focusing on ourselves and ourselves alone.

My dreams don’t look anything like my best friends. Where I am in my career, my relationships, my lifestyle — my phase in life doesn’t look anything like my a lot of my peers.

What I’m pushing toward is different.

What they’re pushing toward is different.

One is not superior, and one is not inferior.

It is all perfectly okay.