Paths

I spent the majority of my “adult” life, aka my life after college, planning what I was going to do “next”. I realized today, that that means I have spent 6 years of my life trying to figure out what I want to do. I’ve spent 6 years absolutely fixated on what I want to do, who I want to be, and how I want to be it.

I want to be clear that there is nothing wrong with this. In fact, I think that often figuring out what you “want to do” is a lifelong process — one that shifts and evolves and is revealed to you more and more through each step you take — through each experience you have.

But for me, trying to figure out what I want to do goes a little something like this: obsesses over trying to find purpose and plan for how to get to wildest dreams via every visualization technique under the sun and listening to every morning routine known to mankind, impulsively picks a path that is “right” in the moment, formulates a plan to get there, throws it away and feels less than when it’s realized that it was not the path for me.

You see each time I think I’ve “got it” — where I’m going to live, what business I want to build, what I want to do with my writing, etc. etc. etc. — I somehow realize that it’s either not what I want, or it’s not what I want right now. And each time I come up short after I think I’ve found the “thing” for me, I feel less than — I beat myself up and put myself back in my progess as I “fail” at yet another plan or idea.

And so, here I sit, 6 years into my “journey to figuring it out” in the same place I was when I started.

Let me clear again, I’m not saying I haven’t made insane progress the past 6 years on a personal level, or even that I haven’t gotten closer to what I ultimately want to do or where or who I want to be. I can’t even begin to describe how much I’ve evolved and changed the past few years.

You see just 4 to 5 years ago, I was kind of a shell of a human. I had days where I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror — days where I didn’t know how else to get out of my own head other than, just, not being here at all.

I look back on photos from that time in my life and it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart because I remember how alone I felt. How I tried to fill that hole that loneliness created with social media dopamine, food, plans for the future, and plans and lists for my diet, fitness — life.

I was so alone.

But here’s the thing. I have amazing friends, family, and support in my life. I don’t know how or why I got so lucky, but God or the universe or whatever you believe has put absolutely phenomonal human beings into my life throughout every single chapter I have written — and for that I am forever and incredibly grateful.

And, when I was going through my darkest times, when I was feeling the most alone — those people were still there. They never left my side.

Yet I was alone.

Why?

What I realized today was that every single person I knew and loved was there for me. Every single person I knew and loved never abandoned me.

Every single person, except the one that matters the most.

Me.

When I was struggling, I gave up on myself. I left — I walked out. I abandoned myself when I needed help — when I needed me.

And I tried to fill the hole that I created with a pressure to formulate perfect plans for the future because I thought if I just knew exactly what I wanted to do and what “empire” I wanted to build and how I was going to be great… well then I would feel loved and be worthy.

What I could never see until now, is that I was never trying to gain the love and approval of others.

I was trying to gain the love and approval of me.

I realized tonight that while I have come so far since I was this person 4 years ago —while that all feels like but a dream most days — I still abandon myself today.

I choose looking to others for how to live my life instead of listening to my heart. I choose to create an insane planner instead of my following my instincts. I choose to go for big dreams that aren’t even mine instead of building my foundation and believing that I will be great no matter what.

I choose to believe that I am less than since I don’t have a perfect idea of my future, instead of trusting that each experience I have and choice I make is the right one — because that’s all life is anyway — a compilation of different experiences that help you to learn and grow.

I realized tonight that beating my head against a wall to try to figure out my perfect plan has gotten me nowhere closer to figuring out what that is — I realized tonight that there might not be a perfect plan afterall.

I don’t want to abandon myself anymore. I don’t want to try to prove myself to myself anymore — to try to show myself that I am great because I have a plan and instead I want to believe in myself and believe I’m great even when I don’t have a map.

I want to build my foundation. I want to take care of myself, nurture myself, get my head right, continue to face my demons that I’ve been pretending are fully gone, when, if I’m being honest, are just quieter than before. I want to live my life and let myself be drawn to things and enjoy hobbies and write and work on my book and continue to build my career and work on the things I love.

I want to show up for myself.

I want to realize, once and for all, that it’s okay to dream big and to plan for the future — but if you only do that, you miss out on the years of your life you’re actually living. The ones where you were building a life and growing and changing without even knowing it, because all you could think about was what you weren’t doing, instead of all the things you were.

I have a feeling that by doing that, that by not walking out on myself or trying to gain my own love… but by instead doing the small things each day that make me feel good — that make me feel more like me — my “perfect plan” will write itself.

I have a feeling that if I start loving myself unconditionally, one day I’ll be able to look back and see the map of where I’ve been — the windy roads, the detours, the stops along the way, even the u turns — all the places I had to let myself go in order to get to wherever I stand on that day.

And where I stand that day? I have no idea where that is. And truthfully, as long as I lived a rich and present and fulfilled and happy life — I’m finally okay with that.