Trust

Over the past year or so, it has become abundantly clear to me that good, healthy habits that bring me an inner peace and push me forward in my life, are wildly important for finding self-confidence, the sometimes overused “self-love”, and, ultimately, happiness.

Last summer, after just a few months of setting realistic goals and expectations for myself, keeping the promises I made to myself, and staying true to what I wanted in the end rather than what I wanted in the moment — I was able to truly break through my past self-sabatoging habits. I was able to push past the identities I had set for myself that were less than who I deserved to be — who I was.

Today I realized that often, I don’t allow myself to think that good things are going to happen for me. I expect the worst. I prepare for the downfall. I do this to protect myself of course, because often these are things I want the most, and getting my hopes is, well, scary.

It hit me that when I am in these moments of worry, anxiety, or overthinking, I am living in a negative space. I am thinking of all the things that could go wrong, instead of all the things that could go right. Instead of focusing on the good of today, I’m focusing on the nonexistent bad of tomorrow.

This realization was all good and well, and one I needed to have. “Great! So be more positive. Awesome! So focus on the positive aspects of situations instead of the negative ones.”

“Ok, I’ll try.”

But after reflecting on this, I asked myself “why?”

Why do I focus on the negative outcomes? Why do I not already expect good things to happen for myself? Why do I expect the worst?

I don’t let myself be excited about the possibilities of what could be, because I don’t trust myself to handle it if the good doesn’t happen. I don’t trust myself to handle it if I fail, if I am let down — if it doesn’t work in the way I had hoped or believed.

And the reason I don’t trust myself is because I spent years of my life handling “negative” situations or hard emotions with self-sabotaging habits. Instead of letting myself feel the emotions, instead of taking care of myself through the hard times and practicing my good and healthy habits — I shoved my feelings away with food and shopping and social media likes and anything else I could find to fill myself up and run far far away from my reality.

And so, I over time have programmed my brain to assume that if things don’t go perfectly planned — if I get hurt, or am sad, or feel let down, or feel like a failure — well then I will sabatoge my progress and my new way of being and living that I have worked so hard to build.

I’m scared I won’t be able to handle it, so I don’t let myself take chances on anything that could hurt me. What if my move is the wrong one? What if this career choice fails? What if my book never makes it? What if I fail my test?

And so I sit. I sit where I am because I know I am safe here. I have finally found peace here.

But I don’t need to be scared anymore. I need to continue to build my good and healthy habits and trust that I will go back to those in hard times or when things feel less than perfect or circumstances or people seemingly tear me down. I need to start taking chances — of believing in what could be.

It’s time to stand strongly on my feet — unafraid of what will come, and maybe even excited for what will come, knowing that I am strong enough to handle whatever that may be.