31
My sister asked me how 31 feels. I didn’t really have an answer.
I responded with, “I’m not really sure. I guess I haven’t reflected much on it.”
Maybe for some, this would be a somewhat negative thing — being that they are moving through life without much thought or reflection on what they want and what it all means.
For me though, this was one of the best things I could have answered.
You see my life trajectory has gone something like this:
Era 1 (high school through college): Didn’t care about anything at all — never did homework, did poorly in school, had (probably too much) fun in high school and college. Lived life with no agenda. Made amazing friends and have no regrets. Only cared about the moment in front of me. Lost my drive and that part of myself.
Era 2 (end of college through mid-twenties): Uprooted my entire outlook to become obsessive about my career. Stayed at school (end of college) until late hours of the night. Obsessed over my planner. Took every internship or opportunity or job I could get my hands on. Went crazy over what the future would look like. Reflected on everything all the time instead of also living. Did fitness competitions to attain perfection. Lost friends. Forgot how to live life in the moment in front of me. Lost my my drive for the right reasons and the free part of myself.
I went from one extreme to the next. In era 1, I always had a mentality that if I couldn’t be the best, I wouldn’t try. And when I decided in era 2 that I wanted and needed to be the best in order to be worthy — all I did was try.
And then, about five or six years ago, I entered my third era — my era of trying to find the ability to live in the present moment. Of trying to find the ability to also plan for the future. Of trying to find a balance between these two parts of me.
Of trying to find myself again.
And so for the last 5 or 6 years, I’ve been working. I’ve been working on my limiting mindsets I developed in my second era, and I’ve been working on how to find the freer version of me — one that balances having her shit together with living life where her feet are and taking it all in.
And has it been a struggle. I couldn’t count the amount of times I’ve “failed” or had setbacks in my journey. The amount of times I’ve given up, went back to old habits — learned the same lesson over and over and over again.
It’s been exhausting, even hopeless at times.
But my god has it been worth it.
I always like to find beautiful coincidences or “meant to be’s” in my life. Whether things actually happen for a reason, or whether things just happen, I don’t think any of us will ever know, but choosing to find the beauty in how things unfold for you and not to you sure makes life worth living.
The past few months leading up to my 31st birthday, things have been clicking. The lessons I’ve learned time and time again are finally becoming not just things I hear or read or know to be true — but things that I believe for myself. They are becoming my innate way of thinking & feeling rather than an affirmation I have to force into my brain every day. They are in my heart, and not only in my head.
It seems fitting. It seems fitting that as I enter my actual thirties, and after spending a year in my hometown with family — things are actually clicking. It seems the work from these years is paying off. It seems that all of my different eras are coming together to form this next version of me. This next version that is driven for the right reasons, organized for the right things, and lives freely for everything else. This next version that reflects when she needs to, and lets things go when she needs to. This next version that understands herself and what she needs to do to get to where she needs to go — that is excited about working on herself instead of doing it because she is scared — instead of doing it for survival.
This next version that believes she is worthy of freedom and passion and love — not because of things she accomplishes, but because of who she is. This next version that understands she does not have to have it all figured out in order to move forward — that understands sometimes life is more fun when you don’t know the path ahead.
And while I know I am nowhere near perfect and have a long way to go — I feel excited about that growth and what that will mean for who I have yet to become.
I’m at a point in my life where it is time to figure out what is next. I’ve been struggling with this, because I’ve had so many amazing times in my life. My years growing up in Montana. My years growing into a woman and having the time of my life in Nevada. My years living my dreams in Boston. My time as an adult with my family back home. I loved all of these times for different reasons. Struggles aside, I sometimes can’t believe how lucky I am for all of the good times I’ve had — all of the people I’ve been lucky enough to meet and know — all the places I’ve been lucky enough to see.
I loved them all so much, and they’re all such an important piece of who I am — who I have grown to be. I often wish I could be several places at once, because how do you choose between so many good things? And I know, this is privileged and I am so lucky to have this problem — but it does make the future often hard to face. Because… what if I choose wrong?
What I’ve realized, is that instead of being torn and upset about the places I’m not — it is time to be present and take in the places I am. It is time to look back on these good times with fondness — with gratitude instead of sadness. And of course, I’ll always be homesick for another place and another time, because I have been lucky enough to live several different lives. It is time to trust that I will make the next choice for the right reasons. That no matter where I go — I will be happy. Because I define my happiness — not my location — not anything else.
I’ve realized it’s time to now be excited for all of the adventures that come next. What failures will I have? What triumphs? What laughter? What tears? What will I do? Where will I go? Who will I become?
I can’t fucking wait to find out. I can’t fucking wait to not question so much, and just live it.